Monday, March 31, 2014

Hollywood is beyond desperate: Captain Planet movie

Y'know, I try not to post negative stuff on this blog. There's plenty of negativity out in the world already. I don't like whining, and I only bash when it is absolutely necessary. I prefer to promote that which is fun, good and enjoyable in the hopes that readers will take joy in what they find.

Alas, we all have an evil side, and mine is popping up right now. Normally I have it chained up in my mental basement, but on occasion it has to be set loose. For the greater good you understand.

Why? Tis a complex issue that is not easy to sort out... Actually, no, that's not true at all. It's darned simple. Allow me to explain, you'll just have to bear with me for a bit.

Remember the 90's cartoon Captain Planet? That animated propaganda designed to brainwash children into good little environmentalists? We all do. Almost nobody liked it, and anyone who did grew up and realized how utterly retarded it was. Those who didn't joined Green Peace. Let's not beat around the bush here, Captain Planet sucked. Like wow, was it dumb. It had all the subtlety of a cinderblock to the face and was about as relatable and realistic as... Y'know what, I can't even think up an adequate hyperbole. Suffice it to say, it was unbearably dumb.

So you can perhaps get just a brief glimpse of what transpired in my head when I heard that there was a Captain Planet movie being put through production. No, I'm not making this up. There are no details of any kind, but someone is trying to make this happen. Seriously. I'm so not kidding.

When I first heard of this I felt a mixture of disbelief and something resembling anger, although I truly can't put a word to what I felt. It was just odd. I bemoaned the idea of this idiocy being put through production, and that is when my evil side came out and whispered secrets that could only appeal to a cynical mastermind too lazy to take over the world.

Me when my evil side spoke of his plan

You see, almost instantly after my horrific discovery I actually found myself hoping this movie would get made. Even now I have my fingers crossed that it will get made. I hope that the studios with their environmentalist yuppies pounce on the idea and throw everything into it. All their money, hopes, dreams, passion, everything. I want them to go all out into this movie.

Then when it inevitably fails, they will be left adrift financially. They will wonder why their creation failed so miserably, not being aware that nobody but idiots like Captain Planet and take him seriously. The environmentalist wing within Hollywood will shrivel and crumble. No one will wish to make another movie talking about saving the environment for decades. Captain Planet will die unloved, unmourned, and unknown within the festering bowels of mediocrity while I sit upon my throne of cheap leather and dropped Goldfish snacks, cackling.

Yeah, I know, that is a most not nice plan and I shouldn't wish such things, but dangit, if Hollywood is this desperate to keep going, then maybe the herd needs some culling anyway. The only way they'll learn to produce good stuff is for the bad stuff to fail. Hard. Blast it, we deserve better entertainment these days. What with all of the technology, a plethora of writers, good directors and oodles of money, really they have no excuse to not be turning out decent stuff at least half the time.

Thankfully we are getting some good stuff these days, like Peter Jackson with The Hobbit and JJ Abrams with Star Trek and hopefully the upcoming Star Wars. But shoot, we still gotta raise the bar for all those other chumps out there. Captain Planet, prepare yourself. For when you come about I shall be waiting here for thee. And I will grant no mercy.

The power is mine!

No comments:

Post a Comment