Thoughts on upcoming election

Well, it's been all the buzz lately and I'm late on getting another article from the old west up, so I figured I'd take a quick moment to sum up my thoughts and opinions on the upcoming election. But I'll have some fun with it as well, so even if you disagree hopefully you might laugh!

First off we've got the Democrats. I'm going to be up front. I think Hillary Clinton is flat out evil. Now, I'm not exaggerating or being flippant. I legitimately believe that she is evil and wouldn't be the least bit surprised if she'd ordered hits on people to get where she is today.

Distant cousins

Yeah, I think she looks like a skeksis but lacks the exotic charm. She's got balls, but she also doesn't give a crap about anything except what she wants. The fact that she supports utilizing the Australian gun confiscation as something she wishes to implement alone shows that she doesn't give one solitary crap what any of us want. If she is this casual about violating one of the most important elements of the Bill of Rights, I can only imagine how she would treat other issues. She puts on a nice face most of the time, but it's a facade.

Hold on, someone that seems charming and promises lots of nice things but turns out is evil underneath, revealed in a dramatic display of special effects before astonished onlookers?

Thank you South Park!

I can't confirm this and I hate to spread rumors, but I have come across reports suggesting that among the data she deleted was information concerning two kids named Hansel and Grettle that she'd been keeping captive in her gingerbread house. Again, I don't want to jump to conclusions, but it seems a bit eerie to me.

If that's not enough, her political career is a terrifying blood-stained trail of corruption. She's like a character from Burn Notice that's once again trying to black-mail Michael Weston into doing her dirty work. Sadly reality won't help us out here since Miami isn't real. Curses fiction, why must you taunt us!?

Bernie Sanders is one of the last of the original weird hippies that spawned during the 60's but didn't die from SDTs and actually did stuff politically. Problem is, he's an aging hippie from the 60's. He wants the government to control absolutely everything, which can't possibly go wrong. It's like betting all of your money on one roll of the dice. If things go wrong, they go wrong hard.

I'm amazed at how ballsy he is in announcing his budgetary plan which is to have an annual budget of around 17 trillion dollars. Take a moment to let those numbers sink in. Here, let me do it in numerals to make it easier. $17,000,000,000,000. For perspective our military which spans across submarines, ships, helicopters, tanks, APCs, humvees, lasers, millions of soldiers, jets and the SHIELD Helicarrier has a budget of approximately 500 billion.

Well said Boromir, well said.

Simply put, these numbers are completely unsustainable. It's not physically possible. It's like trying to donate 17 gallons of blood at the local blood drive and expecting to survive. I know it sounds like I'm making too big of a deal about this, but good grief! If he can't even understand basic money handling, I can only imagine in the depths of my sugar-induced nightmares how he'll handle other issues. This sort of spending would turn America into Argentina in only a few years. For those of you who don't know Argentina suffered a complete economic collapse, which resulted in dystopian societal destruction as people began eating pets in order to survive. So, yeah, I'm not up for Sanders.

Trump? Hahahahahahahaha hahah... ahaha... ha. Okay, this is where we're going to have some fun. Do I like Trump? Nope. Is he better than Emperor Palpatine after he underwent a sex change and the living fossil? Yep.

Okay, for my viewers in other countries who are terrified and baffled as to why Donald Trump is so popular right now, I'll try to explain. For the last seven years we've had to put up with a limp-wristed, weak, inept snake-oil salesman with damp licorice for a spine who says a lot of stuff, but doesn't actually do much. For all my Russian viewers you should be amused to know Putin has treated Obama the same way a prison top dog treats the pretty looking new guy who is only 120 pounds and a hole in the back of his pants. We've watched things fall apart around us and a lot of Americans want someone who actually has some balls and isn't all talk.

Trump comes along, and he has one defining virtue: He gives absolutely zero cares about what people think about him. He says whatever he wants to whoever he wants, and although a lot of it is crazy, at least he isn't afraid to speak his mind and holds his ground. A lot of people here are happy to just have someone stand up for what they believe. He's also media gold. He talks, people listen. News outlets like having attention, so they focus on this guy. He has a bed made out of one hundred dollar bills, can set fire to it and not miss it, so he has a lot of independence. People like a guy that doesn't rely on donations from corporations here.

Thank you Google!

I don't think he'll get in though, so try not to worry too much. Although I'd be very entertained to see how things would go if he were elected though. See, out of all the candidates he's the only one that could go all Doc Holliday and terrify every other country out there with his lack of caring. It's one thing to have a crazy rich guy. It's another to have a crazy rich guy with access to a nuclear weapons stockpile, heh. It would be a little similar to when Reagan was elected and everyone thought they were dealing with a senile insane old man who would slam his fist on the Nuke The World button if anyone looked at him the wrong way.

Other than that things are pretty easy. I'm for anyone who isn't on the left.

I like Ben Carson. He's no politician or debater, but he's wicked smart and I get the impression that he's an honest man with firm morals. That speaks for a lot in my book. He might not know how to dance and sing on the senate floor, but he could figure out the important things and make them work. I think he's a really good pick.

Rand Paul really has my interest because he has proposed the same economic plans I've fantasized about doing if I were Emperor of America for a week. Namely, he wants to take the entire fed tax code, around 70,000 pages worth from what I've heard, set it on fire and charge a flat 14.5% tax evenly across everyone. If he can actually do this, it would turn the American economy around. He's the only one who seems to really know how to deal with this debt hole we're in. Obama took our debt to rock bottom of the deepest hole he could find, then took out a loan for $600,000,000 at 500% interest for a jackhammer and began digging until he hit magma. We have almost nothing to show for it except setting historical records for pointless spending.

Rand could actually start us out of that hole though. Reagan did something similar, slashing taxes to the bone which gave everyone unparalleled economic freedom by letting them keep their own money, and let them spend it wherever and however they wanted. In short, what this means is that if you have a job here in the US, you're going to have a much easier time filing your taxes and have a lot more money in your wallet.

I've yet to see the spiritual successor to Patton show up, so I'm not sure how most of these guys will stack up in dealing with Daesh, but after the Operation Do Nothing And Hope It Goes Away you've got nowhere to go but up. I'd prefer putting around ten to twenty five divisions on the ground in Syria with Naval support by the coast, but I'll settle for increased airstrikes and SF tactical strikes. Or we can let the Russians handle it.

Carly Fiorina really caught my eye during a debate in which she actually made some excellent points and handled herself very well. I think she'd do just great and I'd be fine having her in. And she doesn't look like a skeksis.

Jeb Bush? Keep dreaming. He's not going anywhere near the White House. I don't think he has a prayer, so I've got nothing for him. Also his name is Bush, and although people are mostly done with the aftermath of the George Bush era, there is still a knee-jerk reaction to anyone with last names sounding like shrubs.

I do have my own candidates, so have fun with them!

My first pick.

Say what you will about him, but The Brain is darned qualified to lead. He's insanely smart, determined and has a rocking theme song. Hey, this guy was able to come up with a slew of plans with an extremely limited budget. Just imagine what he can fix up with access to fed hardware! Also his voice is awesome. Can you see other politicians resisting the authoritative drone he puts out?

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My next candidate is Conan of Cimmeria. Hey, wait! Don't leave! Just hear me out! His record speaks for itself. This guy worked his way up from the poverty level in a bloody tundra, has lots of work experience, and ascended to the throne as King of Aquilonia which prospered under him. Heck, he boasted the lowest tax rates in the empire's history! He's got that going for him. And it's hard to see Daesh lasting for very long with this guy in charge.

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This one is cheating a little bit since he isn't technically an American, or human, but he still has his merits. Rygel XVI was the dominar of the Hynerian Empire before getting deposed, but he had to control 600 billion subjects, so managing America should be a cake walk. But most importantly he was a muppet made by the legendary Jim Henson! If that doesn't qualify him for office, I don't know what will. :)