Tales on the Ranch

I love my new job at Cal Ranch. I enjoy the work, it's honest, my co-workers are great, and most of the customers are patient and kind. But like any job you have your moments that are... interesting. In fact, here are some brief little anecdotes that a few of you might find amusing.

*****

Me: (Sees customer leaning against her cart near an isle, idly staring and hops over) Hello ma'am! How are you today? Can I help you find anything? =D (Voice is insufferably chipper)

Customer: Oh, thank you, no. I'm just waiting for my husband to finish with what he's looking for. (Tolerant smile)

Me: (Without a seconds hesitation and with perfectly straight face) Oh! Cattle prods are right over there ma'am! (Points)

*****

Me: (Sees co-workers on feed isle peering under metal rack) What's going on?

Co-worker 1: Just saw a mouse.

Co-worker 2: Yeah, he's been running around here for awhile.

Me: Oh, him. His name is Ralph. He rides a motorcycle. (Straight face)

Co-worker 1 and 2: (Collapse with laughter)

*****

Me: Howdy sir, what can I do for you?

Customer: Howdy, I'm looking for some chain. Need something awful strong.

Me: What for?

Customer: Dog. He tore his cable.

Me: He tore the steel cable? (Blink blink)

Customer: Yep. That kind right there. (Nudges coil of cable rated for 250 pounds with boot tip) Twisted it and yanked until it snapped. Only half grown too.

Me: ... I see. How about this chain here? Rated for 500 pounds. 

Customer: Looks nice, but I still don't think it'll work. He pulled my truck when it was in neutral.

Me: (Now picturing The Beast from The Sandlot and considering more drastic measures) Huh. Okay. Let's jump straight to the big stuff. How does this look? (Hefts length of chain rated for 800 pounds with links as thick as my thumb)

Customer: (Skeptical look) Hmmm... Might work, might work. Just afraid the f***er will break that too. Don't want to have to come back and buy more chain.

*****

Me: Hello sir, help you with anything?

Customer: Sure, yeah, you got any wasp traps?

Me: Sure do! 

Customer: Great. It'd be nice if you had a gun for them though.

Me: ... (Dark smile crosses my lips and I thank the Armory Gods of Valhalla for this opportunity) We do.

Customer: (Pauses and looks at at me carefully, surely thinking I mis-spoke) What was that?

Me: We do. A gun for flying insects. Called the Bug Salt Blaster. Meant for splatting them right out of the air. (Practically salivating)

Customer: (Infected by my enthusiasm and a similar gleam enters his eye) I'd like to take a look at this.

Me: Gladly! (Leads him over to traps and the glorious Salt Blaster) Shoots a shotgun charge of salt. Pneumatic pressure design, like a BB gun or Nerf gun. Just pour in the salt, charge the handle, and you can exterminate flying critters out to ten feet! (Hefts the weapon as if it's a classic Holland and Holland double rifle)

Customer: (Grinning eagerly and imagining the heads of horse flies and hornets mounted above the fireplace) I'll take it!

*****

Manager Radio: Hey EC? You there?

Me: (Picks up radio) Sure thing boss, whatcha need?

Manager Radio: Grab your jacket and come outside to the compound. I got a job for you.

Me: (Remembers its still winter with snow and bitter cold) Ummm... Shhhkkkkk! Can't hear- Shkkkkkk! Too much static- Sssshkkkkk! So noisy-Shhhkkkk! Can't come outside- Shhhhkkkkkk! 

*****

Me: (Internally) Having a guy weighing 140 pounds lift a bale of barbed wire weighing 80 pounds isn't a good idea... (Takes deep breath, crouches in best stable stance possible, grabs hold of wire handle and lifts towards customer's tail-gate) Almost... There! (Feels something tug on inner pant leg, but is too busy trying to to burst a blood vessel to notice) Got it! (Looks down and sees a barb gutted my pant leg like a deer) ... Crap. 

*****

Me: (At the gun counter helping customer) Yep, yep, the 22 and 17 are both great varmint cartridges.

Child of Customer: (Confused look on innocent face) What's a... a varmint?

Me: Any animal with hair that isn't a pet.

Customer: (Starts to object, then nods in agreement) Yep, pretty much.