Unless one is endowed with a toxic level of ego, we all experience times of self doubt, and that increases as one tries to accomplish things of varying scales. I'm currently going through that sort of problem.
I'm reading one of my stories on my Kindle, and all sorts of mistakes are jumping out of me that I never noticed during editing. And I just keep thinking: How did I miss this? Did I really write that? Where did I go wrong? To me the wording and sentence structure feel as smooth as sandpaper, and the minor grammar mistakes are like splinters of bamboo under my finger nails. I don't know if this is due to me holding my own stuff to higher standards due to the fact that it's mine, or if it really is as agonizing as it feels. I can only imagine what other people think. Honestly I'm horrified.
Not that these mistakes were due to laziness or lack of effort. I went over it time and again, trying to fix problems, find mistakes, and smooth things out. But that's part of the problem. When you're editing your own stuff, you inevitably miss things. At a certain point you start seeing what you expect to see, not what's actually there. It's this weird mental trick that I just can't get past. This is where a fresh set of eyes helps out tremendously.
But unfortunately I'm working almost exclusively by myself. I want beta readers. I want an editor to help catch these problems, to help channel my stuff. I don't mean to make excuses. Normally I actually accept more responsibility than is actually mine when things are at fault. But I'm now forced to acknowledge that I'm probing my limitations as a self editor. But reading all of these flaws eats away at my confidence like battery acid.
Am I actually any good at writing? I know some people say that I am. So far I haven't gotten any negative comments except from myself. But are others just being nice and not willing to point out the problems that they see? Getting better requires ruthless honesty to cull those mistakes. Am I shouldering more responsibility than I can handle? I wish I could hire an editor. That would help tremendously. But I simply don't have the funds to do so. My friends are either unqualified or are up to their eyeballs in their own problems. How can I ask them to read my stuff when they are dealing with their own intense hardships?
Nor do I wish to sell my books if they aren't up to a certain level of quality. I have a sense of honor about me. I can't in good conscience tell someone to buy something if I don't believe that it's worth their time and money. Is my stuff actually worth it? I already try to sell them cheap. But at present I feel like a fraud. At the same time I'd like to be able to earn enough money to maybe buy some things now and then. I want to work hard on this and other projects and earn enough to have a decent living. Heck, someday I'd like to have a family, and it'd be nice if I could actually support them like a man, husband and father actually should. I've got no one relying on me now, and given my dating skill that isn't likely to change, but there's always the risk.
I want to get good at this. I want to entertain people. I want to make their lives better by making them forget the crap going on in life by using words to take them to other worlds and whisk them away on grand adventures. But if this is the height of my capabilities, I'm in for trouble.
Maybe I'm being overly dramatic. Maybe this stuff just stands out to me because it's what I made, and nobody else cares about the mistakes. Maybe they aren't actually as big as I'm making them out to be. Maybe I actually am writing good stories and it's just taking time for people to get wind of them. But I just don't know.
Chances are most of you out there aren't the commenting type, but this would be a good time to get a few. I want to know the honest thoughts of you folks reading this. Don't BS me. I need harsh truth. I really need some help with this, and I'd really appreciate anything you all can give me. Sorry if this blah-fest bored you. I'll try to have something better soon.
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