Simple Joys of Life

I miss the childish days of imagination and wonder. Often we hear that a certain child has an overactive imagination, but they say it as if its a bad thing. What greater gift can a child have than imagination? Well, maybe obedience, but let's be realistic here. I miss letting my mind wander to completely strange and nonsensical realms. The world felt huge and ripe for exploration. A simple stick could be whatever you wanted it to be. A rifle, a sword, a magic wand, anything!

But then we grow up and imagination fades as we grow older and develop new interests like cars and the opposite gender which seems to grow more interesting by the day. More and more our minds are concentrated on what we can touch and we focus on responsibility. Phbbbbbt!

I prefer once in awhile feeling like a kid again. Popping in a black and white monster movie is a great way to do that. As a kid I eagerly awaited Halloween, because I knew that in October all the scary movies came on. And with those came the cheesy B-movies of the 50's. With today's effects its easy to brush these old movies off as quaint and poor in quality. But I still find something magical about them.

A few years ago I was babysitting my youngest brother and sister. This was also when Tivo was still a thing and hadn't been bypassed by Netflix. Lo and behold I managed to record The Black Scorpion! Giant scary scorpions menacing the Mexican countryside with stop motion goodness and silly props drooling like dogs! My little brother and sister watched, spellbound by the effects, wondering what would happen next, flinching at the distant roars of the monsters and cuddling close to me. It was wonderful!

But it didn't fade from their minds immediately after watching. And in this day of ADD kids, that's saying something. The heart of the whole household were warmed as the two went into the kitchen, took out the oven mitts which vaguely resembled scorpion pincers, and then chased each other back and forth with childish roars and imitated the banging of guns. What beautiful imagination and joy they took in such simple things! That dirty oven mitts could resemble monstrous claws!

Sigh. I love those moments. I wish there were more of them. Every now and then, at a special moment, I feel myself as a wee kid again, and the entire world is an adventure.

Tales on the Ranch

I love my new job at Cal Ranch. I enjoy the work, it's honest, my co-workers are great, and most of the customers are patient and kind. But like any job you have your moments that are... interesting. In fact, here are some brief little anecdotes that a few of you might find amusing.

*****

Me: (Sees customer leaning against her cart near an isle, idly staring and hops over) Hello ma'am! How are you today? Can I help you find anything? =D (Voice is insufferably chipper)

Customer: Oh, thank you, no. I'm just waiting for my husband to finish with what he's looking for. (Tolerant smile)

Me: (Without a seconds hesitation and with perfectly straight face) Oh! Cattle prods are right over there ma'am! (Points)

*****

Me: (Sees co-workers on feed isle peering under metal rack) What's going on?

Co-worker 1: Just saw a mouse.

Co-worker 2: Yeah, he's been running around here for awhile.

Me: Oh, him. His name is Ralph. He rides a motorcycle. (Straight face)

Co-worker 1 and 2: (Collapse with laughter)

*****

Me: Howdy sir, what can I do for you?

Customer: Howdy, I'm looking for some chain. Need something awful strong.

Me: What for?

Customer: Dog. He tore his cable.

Me: He tore the steel cable? (Blink blink)

Customer: Yep. That kind right there. (Nudges coil of cable rated for 250 pounds with boot tip) Twisted it and yanked until it snapped. Only half grown too.

Me: ... I see. How about this chain here? Rated for 500 pounds. 

Customer: Looks nice, but I still don't think it'll work. He pulled my truck when it was in neutral.

Me: (Now picturing The Beast from The Sandlot and considering more drastic measures) Huh. Okay. Let's jump straight to the big stuff. How does this look? (Hefts length of chain rated for 800 pounds with links as thick as my thumb)

Customer: (Skeptical look) Hmmm... Might work, might work. Just afraid the f***er will break that too. Don't want to have to come back and buy more chain.

*****

Me: Hello sir, help you with anything?

Customer: Sure, yeah, you got any wasp traps?

Me: Sure do! 

Customer: Great. It'd be nice if you had a gun for them though.

Me: ... (Dark smile crosses my lips and I thank the Armory Gods of Valhalla for this opportunity) We do.

Customer: (Pauses and looks at at me carefully, surely thinking I mis-spoke) What was that?

Me: We do. A gun for flying insects. Called the Bug Salt Blaster. Meant for splatting them right out of the air. (Practically salivating)

Customer: (Infected by my enthusiasm and a similar gleam enters his eye) I'd like to take a look at this.

Me: Gladly! (Leads him over to traps and the glorious Salt Blaster) Shoots a shotgun charge of salt. Pneumatic pressure design, like a BB gun or Nerf gun. Just pour in the salt, charge the handle, and you can exterminate flying critters out to ten feet! (Hefts the weapon as if it's a classic Holland and Holland double rifle)

Customer: (Grinning eagerly and imagining the heads of horse flies and hornets mounted above the fireplace) I'll take it!

*****

Manager Radio: Hey EC? You there?

Me: (Picks up radio) Sure thing boss, whatcha need?

Manager Radio: Grab your jacket and come outside to the compound. I got a job for you.

Me: (Remembers its still winter with snow and bitter cold) Ummm... Shhhkkkkk! Can't hear- Shkkkkkk! Too much static- Sssshkkkkk! So noisy-Shhhkkkk! Can't come outside- Shhhhkkkkkk! 

*****

Me: (Internally) Having a guy weighing 140 pounds lift a bale of barbed wire weighing 80 pounds isn't a good idea... (Takes deep breath, crouches in best stable stance possible, grabs hold of wire handle and lifts towards customer's tail-gate) Almost... There! (Feels something tug on inner pant leg, but is too busy trying to to burst a blood vessel to notice) Got it! (Looks down and sees a barb gutted my pant leg like a deer) ... Crap. 

*****

Me: (At the gun counter helping customer) Yep, yep, the 22 and 17 are both great varmint cartridges.

Child of Customer: (Confused look on innocent face) What's a... a varmint?

Me: Any animal with hair that isn't a pet.

Customer: (Starts to object, then nods in agreement) Yep, pretty much. 

That looks familiar...

Credit to Smithsonian

This is the Hiller 1031 Flying Platform, a fascinating contraption invented in the 50's. It sadly never took off (Hahaha) due to inherent limitations in the design. Meant for soldiers, they couldn't lean over to fire at lower targets as the shift in weight would tip the thing over. Attempts were made to develop a bigger one but it never worked out. So while most interesting and fun, I'd certainly want one, it turned out to be a dead end.

Except as I looked at this, I realized I'd seen it somewhere before...

Jonny Quest intro clip

Ah ha! Caught you Hanna Barbera! Stealing retiring military secrets and giving them to secret organizations for their dastardly schemes!
I honestly don't know if the animators were inspired from this real machine, or if they came up with it on their own by accident. But either way I love how life has these quirks. By the way, if you haven't, watch old Jonny Quest. It's hysterical and imaginative. The 90's one was propaganda and the CG doesn't hold up.

Fallout 76 Announced

Permit me to squeal like a little girl in delight at the announcement of the next installment to the Fallout franchise, Fallout 76. Full disclosure, I'm a shameless slavish lover of Fallout. It's my all time favorite game series. I can't overstate my love for the setting. I want to have it's children. Get the picture? Good.

https://bit.ly/2IXy5Af

Now, I don't know much about the trailer. I don't know what the story is, when it's coming out, what will happen or... well, anything at all really, except its in Vault 76. Good enough for me! Now I will work extra shifts to hoarde money until such time as I can throw it all at Bethesda and promptly lose around two weeks of my life in an unblinking waking coma that is my in depth gaming mode, in which all other physical activities are kept to a bare minimum as I lose myself in an immersive world with androgynous body builders and retro 50's culture.

It's a good time to be alive.

My Abusive Relationship With Tremors

Okay folks, ranting time. I honestly didn't want to talk about it, but I'm somehow feeling drunk without a drop of alcohol in me, so let's do this.

Tremors is one of my favorite movies of all time. I grew up with the movie. It came out the same year I was born. When I first watched it as a tyke it scared the daylights out of me. For two weeks I didn't put my feet on the ground of I could help it. And heaven help me I loved it. I've watched it hundreds of times. I can recite the entire movie from memory. Every line, every shot, every sound, absolutely everything is burned into my memory. It became a family favorite. Anytime it was on everyone would rush to tell me. It captured my imagination. It fascinated me endlessly. Even now it's as close to a perfect movie as you can get.

And, like any thing that has a dedicated cult following, soulless producers have sought to turn my passion against me to siphon money out of my wallet. See, a movie with such a dedicated following was destined for sequels. Tremors 2: Aftershocks is a very worthy sequel. I really like it. It has some of the absolute best buildup and spooky atmosphere I've seen in any horror movie. Tremors 3: Back to Perfection was dumb, but had a good soundtrack and actually makes me laugh. Tremors 4: The Legend Begins was a genuinely interesting prequel with some fun twists and really good storytelling. Tremors The Series was doomed to failure with a tiny budget and a fundamentally limited area for writing. You couldn't make a show out of it. But bless it's heart, it tried. While the effects and stuff were dumb, I really did enjoy the writing.

Then came Tremors 5. I didn't want to watch it. I was afraid. I knew it wouldn't be good. I knew there would be pain. But I had to watch it. At this point in the series it was banking purely on the good will of the previous movies. But it was worse beyond all my expectations. After I first saw it, I started typing up a scathing review here, but got burned out on it then forgot. Well, forgot might be the wrong term.

Okay, to be truly honest, I think my brain deliberately made me forget. A suppressed memory. Now, most people only think they have such things. Most times they don't. I don't like to claim that I do. But I genuinely think that this movie was so bad that my subconscious buried it so I wouldn't have to deal with the emotional fallout. Anytime it came back up it would somehow just kinda fade from my mind. Normally things that make me upset I dwell on so I can mentally punch them into bloody paste. It's only things that truly leave an emotional scar on me, like a breakup or a loved one dying, that my brain shifts away from my waking mind.

It's one of the few movies that actually hurt me. I know that sounds silly. Trust me, I do. But... I really loved this series. And to see it go from such heights to this was like a punch in the guts. Worse, I get the feeling that whoever directed this movie hated Tremors, hated what it stood for, and hated everyone that liked it. Never before have I felt quite like this towards a movie. It felt like it loathed me personally as a fan, and it wanted to do everything in its power to hurt me for it.

I can never actually review it. I'd have to watch the movie again. And I don't want to go through that pain again. I could write a novella on everything wrong with that movie.

It's easily one of the movies I hate the most. But now a sixth one has come out. It still seems to be doing everything wrong. And yet I will probably see it. My love for the series, even with this brutal emotional kick to the shins, is too great.

At this point, it's not a healthy relationship. It's not the series doing what it can to entertain me and be awesome, and me in turn loving it and giving it my money. It's now leaching off of my former good will. I get the feeling that soon this new one will be pounding at my door and demanding to know where the cigarettes are. It's going to rip my manly blouse open, scream in my face for being an unfaithful wench, and yet for all my loathing and terror, I will look back on our early days of frolicking through Horror Lane and keep coming back with the faint hope that I'll find that movie has come back to me.

I had this same media co-dependency before with Alien vs Predator. But it seems like I went from one bad media relationship to another.

I'm now going to say something I never thought I'd say: Please stop making Tremors movies. I want this pain to stop. Just let it die. Let Michael Gross, Kevin Bacon and all the other actors get on with their lives. If Gross is trapped in some sort of contractual obligation, find the mercy in your hearts to let him out of it.

Pine Leaf: Heroine of the Crow Nation

Crow Warrior

If one were to compile a list of all the great warriors of the various Native American tribes, the list would likely stretch out to the hundred yard line at a rifle range. Each group had their heroes who earned their titles and prestige through daring and skill that many civilized men find to be within the realm of the fantastic. And yet many of these men existed and their deeds were indeed real.

The Crow Nation was never short on their heroes. But a much lesser known fighter, but one of their best, was not a man but one of their women! Her name was Pine Leaf, or Bar-chee-am-pe in Crow tongue. She was not like most women, bound in marriage to do her husband's bidding at every beck and call with no ambitions of her own. On the contrary, she was a singular anomaly, boasting one of the most heroic hearts of the frontier.

Her memory is preserved only through the glowing accounts of the autobiographical book by Jim Beckwourth when he lived among the Crow. Although even at this time he had multiple wives with them, none elicited the sensations of admiration, respect and love that Pine Leaf did.

In his own words he describes her thus: "For an Indian, she possessed great intellectual powers. She was endowed with extraordinary muscular strength, with the activity of a cat and the speed of the antelope. Her features were pleasing, and her form symmetrical. She had lost a brother in the attack on our village before mentioned- a great brave, and her twin brother. He was a fine specimen of the race of red men, and bade fair to rise to distinction; but he was struck down in his strength, and Pine Leaf was left to avenge his death. She was at that time twelve years of age, and she solemnly vowed that she would never marry until she had killed a hundred of the enemy with her own hand. Whenever a war-party started, Pine Leaf was the first to volunteer to accompany them. Her presence among them caused much amusement to the old veterans' but if she lacked physical strength, she always rode the fleetest horses, and none of the warriors could outstrip her. All admired her for her ambition, and as she advanced in years, many of the braves grew anxious for the speedy accomplishment of her vow."

"She had chosen my party to serve in, and when I engaged in the fiercest struggles, no one was more promptly at my side than file young heroine. She seemed incapable of fear; and when she arrived at womanhood, she could fire a gun without flinching, and use the Indian weapons with as great dexterity as the most accomplished warrior. I began to feel more than a common attachment toward her. Her intelligence charmed me, and her modest and becoming demeanor singled her out from her sex."

Truly, this is glowing praise from a man who was revered later on as one of the greatest of the mountain men and became a leading chief of the Crows, a man who's life was never short of adventure or bravery. One can absolutely feel the unvarnished admiration he and everyone else felt for her, and it's not surprising that he sought for her to be one of his wives.

Here we find that she was not only wise in warfare, but in games of the heart as well. After much coaxing Pine Leaf agreed to marry him when the pine needles turned yellow. Jim not unreasonably thought that this meant autumn and carried on his way, no doubt eagerly awaiting the coming season. A time after this though it occurred to him that evergreen needles don't change color with the seasons! Upon mentioning this to her she only smiled, laughed, and set another strange condition upon which to marry him.

Even with this coquettish drama taking place his desire for her grew. But juxtaposing this was frequent and bloody warfare. Always Pine Leaf was near the fore and in the thickest fighting. In one battle with the Black Feet things went poorly. Many braves and even some accompanying white trappers were killed. It looked as if the end were upon them, and what was worse, it was in the dead of winter. As Jim put it: "This was my Russian campaign."

Yet they survived, but not without a great deal of loss. In fact, in this battle Pine Leaf was reduced to having only eight fingers. She lost a knuckle from a pinky finger from a Black Foot bullet on her right hand. The other on her left hand she had amputated as a sign of mourning when her brother was killed. It was the custom among the Crow women to amputate a finger upon the death of a husband or brother.

On another excursion fate had directed Jim away from his Crow family for several years. It wasn't without reason that they assumed him dead, as was rather common at that time along the frontier, killed from frost or foe. When he returned all were naturally overjoyed, nor was Pine Leaf an exception. And yet when he was gone her fiery flame never wavered. Upon his return Jim learned that she had believed him dead, but was only biding her time trying to discover which rival tribe had killed her friend so that she might avenge him. Perhaps it was a blessing to all of those other tribes that Jim had simply gone missing. One can only imagine how many scalps she collected over the death of her brother alone.

This all sounds very centered upon Jim's relationship with Pine Leaf, but it must be remembered that all we know of her comes from his writings, so it is only natural that much of it would be from his own accounts and perspective.

The last mention of her came through most unfortunate circumstances. Jim Beckwourth was still in the employ of a trapping company and at last decided to take his leave of his Crow companions and traveled to Saint Louis. Then, for reasons beyond my ken, another group of trappers fell in with the Crows and told them that the President and others were angry with Jim because of his befriending of the tribe, and murdered him as punishment. Evidently they thought this was a most splendid joke and took joy at their horror. It was a wonder that the group wasn't slaughtered on the spot. It may easily be imagined that this did not put the tribe in a good mood. Their beloved friend, family member and chief murdered on account of being kind to them? In spite of all he had done to keep the peace between them? This boded poorly for every white man between the Crows and the Atlantic.

They set on the warpath and were ready to scalp any white man they came across and sought to start with a trapping outpost which just happened to have some of Jim's friends present inside. After a strong showing they managed to stall for time and come to an agreement: Give them a chance to prove that Jim was still alive by sending a messenger to bring him back. If he didn't arrive, the Crows could kill them all. A rather steep bargain, but it was the only one the trappers had available. And sure enough, Jim returned, much disgruntled by the whole affair, although glad that no one had been killed during his swift return.

The Crows were delighted to learn that he was alive, but were soon downcast by his depressed behavior. Nor is it any wonder. He must have felt that he had only turned his back for a week before war broke out. He had done all he could to prevent conflict and yet at the first provocation, albeit quite understandable, they were moved to aggression. Perhaps Jim felt that he was a sort of prisoner, always having to hold others in check to prevent needless slaughter. He desired to return to civilization and marry a woman there who he sought to support through his trapping. The Crows desired him to stay and continue leading them. And it is here that Pine Leaf sought to save both groups by sacrificing that which she valued the most: Her independence.

The words she used to conclude her long and wonderfully storied career were many, but here are among the strongest: "I said I would kill one hundred foes before I married any living man. I have more than kept my word, as our great chief and medicine men can tell you. As my arm increased in strength, the enemy learned to fear me. I have accomplished the task I set before me; henceforward I leave the war-paths of my people; I have fought my last battle, and hurled my last lance; I am a warrior no more."

"I am about to sacrifice what I have always chosen to preserve- my liberty. The back of my steed has been my lodge and my home. On his back, armed with my lance and battle-axe, I knew no fear. The medicine chief, when fighting by my side, has displayed a noble courage and a lofty spirit, and he won from my heart, what no other warrior has ever won, the promise to marry him when my vow was fulfilled. He has done much for our people; he has fought their enemies, and spilled his blood for them. When I shall become his wife, I shall be fond and faithful to him. My heart feels pure before the Great Spirit and the sun. When I shall no more on the war-path, obey the voice of the Medicine Calf, and you will grow stronger and stronger; we shall continue and a happy people, and he will leave us no more. I have done." 

What brave words and sacrifice from one who had for so long been a warrior of repute and independence! The woman who had tread the path of the warrior gave up what she loved most to preserve her people and attach one of its leaders to them. What gallantry and selflessness! Indeed, the two were shortly thereafter wed together. But sadly, her sacrifice was in vain. Difficulties with the American Fur Company made returning for business a financial impossibility. What was more Jim Beckwourth had exhausted himself of the life he had led. There was never truly peace. Only breaks between warfare with other tribes. Always he and others had to watch over their horses to prevent them from being stolen by the thousands. Always they were careful when traveling, for at any moment they might run into hereditary enemies and receive an arrow, tomahawk or bullet. There was never truly rest.

And so he went a different path, and left his much sought after and worthy bride adrift after only five weeks of being married. He confirms that thereafter he never saw her again. Although this event took place well over a century ago, my heart aches at this sad and inconclusive ending to the splendid legend and warrior Pine Leaf. What must she have felt when she realized that her love wasn't to ever return? How many months or years did she wait? Did she regret her decision to give up on being a warrior, to effectively live as a widow? To be left after he had fought so hard to win her heart?

It pains the soul to think of this, but it does nothing to tarnish the heroine's reputation. Whatever end she truly met, her life and deeds have lived on. I consider myself richer for knowing her story, and I hope that all of you who have read this feel the same.

For Pine Leaf: Heroine of the Crow!

Jurassic World 2 Predictions and Thoughts

Late to the game on this as usual. Had my hands full with other stuff, but predicting things is all the rage these days and I have some ideas for the upcoming Jurassic World sequel based on the trailer.

Let me open by saying that the sequels from Jurassic Park failed for their own reasons. Lost World was based off of the book which was a sequel to Jurassic Park that nobody seemed to enjoy. It was clunky, confusing and Crichton really had to pull something out of his tail end to make it work, since Jurassic Park ended with real finality. Island blows up. Animals all burned. Some may exist on Coasta Rica mainland but nothing major. So it made little sense, was confusing and overall just not that good. The movie wasn't much better save for a rather decent soundtrack and some good effects.

Jurassic Park 3 lacked any sort of imagination and made it into yet another 'oh crap how do we get off the island' scenario. Within three minutes of landing on the island things go sideways, they lose all their guns and are stranded. A few fun effects but otherwise it was creatively bankrupt.

So with that in mind the moment I heard about Jurassic World 2 I was skeptical. The first one was actually rather good in my opinion. Many claim that it was a remake or soft reboot of Jurassic Park. However I disagree. Jurassic Park was a pretty good direct adaption from the book, which had a very non-linear plot. Things really don't start to happen until the second act, and from there the characters are in two groups with two objectives. First objective is with Dr. Grant and the kids just trying to not die. The second is with Ellie and the rest just trying to get things working again. Normally it's a story that wouldn't work, but Speilberg is a deity of movie making and truly made a great adaption.

Jurassic World is very different. One very dangerous animal escapes, and the goal is to recapture it before it gets to the tourists. Very clear and concise objective. But as one plan after another fails the stakes are raised, new things are learned, and they become more desperate to stop it, trying things that they normally wouldn't dream of trying. It's a solid plot that keeps moving and ramps up. It also had enough of a brain to it that I was intrigued. Every now and then I catch myself thinking of the ramifications of the movie and some of the themes they mention.

In Jurassic World 2 the park has shut down. Where can you go from there? I thought they were going to do yet another dumb rescue mission for some dumbarse that got stuck there or something dumb like that. But now it seems that it is indeed a rescue mission, but for the dinosaurs themselves. The island's volcano is acting up and it looks as though the objective is to capture as many as they can and get them off of the island, saving them from extinction once again.

I admit, this idea is compelling to me. It's certainly one I haven't seen before. Some may think the volcano part is stupid. After all, why set up a park on a volcanic island? That seems dumb until you realize that Hawaii fits that description perfectly and regarded by the world over as paradise. Heck if I know why that makes sense. Also it isn't all that unreasonable, since it would directly provide geothermal power. Logistically that makes a lot of sense. After all, the island has incredibly advanced facilities requiring tons of power and lugging a giant power-line from the mainland would be a pain in the side.

This movie also shows Jeff Goldblum, AKA Ian Malcolm, giving a speech about life, blah blah blah. However they seem to be questioning the ideas of life itself. Do these extinct animals have the same rights as other animals that we protect? Do they pose a threat big enough to warrant letting them be destroyed? I think they cut most of that from the trailer and instead relied on his classic lines from the first movie as trailer bait. But I do like this angle. I like being prompted to think about the ramifications of cloning, extinction, life and how it's treated.

This can easily go wrong however. It might be pretentious gobbly-gook that doesn't actually make sense or to trick people into thinking that it's smarter than it really is. I hope that isn't the case. Having a bit of thought provoking themes and ideas with an action story as a back drop is intriguing to me. And that is still in the spirit of the original book.

As for most of the plot I'm not quite sure how it will shake out. It will either be innovative and really interesting, or it will be bloody confusing and make no sense. I'm for trying new plots that don't feel paint by numbers. But that comes at the risk of being confusing and nonsensical. My hope is that this movie will have some curveballs thrown in but still make sense.

And of course let's not forget the shot of some sort of new mutated raptor that makes an appearance. I confess, I'm not fond of the idea. I'm not horribly against it, but it feels unnecessary. It feels gimmicky like the first Jurassic World. I fear that this is a move from the studio thinking that we need an abomination to keep people interested. If that's the case then they don't understand their audience too well. It worked in the first movie because it served as a contrast to the natural dinosaurs and how the sales-mentality on life can spiral out of control. It was seen as something unnatural that we wanted to see the normal dinosaurs overcome.

Here? Again, it will either be hit or miss. With luck it will be used intelligently, once more serving as contrast for the discussion of life with the normal dinosaurs and mutated ones. I sincerely hope that it will be used intelligently. I strongly suspect there will be the Ingen angle once again, perhaps a team going in with their own agenda to collect samples left behind during the shut down in Jurassic World.

This is all speculation however. My hope is that it will be a smart movie, or at the very least interesting. I can see it either being just as big as the first. The new plot angle has a lot going for it and will hopefully keep things fresh. But there is a lot of risk that it will get confused and tangled.

Well, we will see. I'm going to see it in theaters. But I'll reserve judgement until after I've viewed it.